The Pattern: Explanations for reconnecting with an Ex!

Going for dinner with the ex (the ex before the most recent ex) was not on the list of things to do this week. I had opted out of going to an expat party in Amsterdam with my friends. I had things to do and I could already predict the party; drunk Mediterranean guys with one goal. So I was looking forward to a quiet night in. Randomness is an understatement when out of the blue an ex contacts me to go to dinner. It took me a few minutes to realise my supply of U.S. Cold medicine had not gone to my head and I didn’t read the message wrong. Reading my blog you are aware that randomness is no stranger to my life, so I thought to just roll with it. Not going to lie, I spent a good hour wondering why the ex who I thought hated me wanted to meet for dinner. I debated standing him up, I refused to change lingerie just in case it was one of those kind of messages. I consulted with friends, but finally I said screw it and why not? I could have had this dinner long ago. Hell, I could have a dinner with all my ex’s present. So dinner turned to a game of pool and pool turned into several cups of tea at home. Whilst I cleaned the tea cups which I successfully did not throw at my ex (as I did 9 months ago). Another random life thought came to me; there seems to be a pattern. Why is it that when we want to form a normal relationship with our most recent ex, it doesn’t work. Yet, a normal relationship with our ex before is suddenly possible? Must there always be an ex in between?

If I had to present a thesis on why I am moving on from my recent ex, then I could. However, despite my attempt at bringing normalcy to our friendship that we say we both want to have, a thesis would be a lost cause to us at present. My recent ex has been avoiding eye contact to the point I might as well wear a pirate patch and he wouldn’t notice. Our ability to talk about everyday things is so absent that I might as well say I am moving to Siberia and see if he notices. Maybe it is sexual tension or maybe it is just too soon, but I am ready to say Oy Vey and down a glass of whisky because of this situation. Why do I want normalcy between us so badly now? Why not? Why must there be uneasiness if you both know your not meant to be with the other? Why not enjoy long talks as friends do? Why not feel there is no one I need to avoid in Holland?

It seems there is an unwritten protocol of when you can become friends with your ex again. I have realised it is when there is a relationship between your relationship with that person. For example, after you break up, you both see other people and possibly form new relationships with other people. Then when you break up with the new relationship it is now okay to contact your previous ex. There is a buffer relationship between you two. It is a safety net. You both proved you moved on from the other. There is time between you. You have had a chance to evaluate relationships in general and more importantly your energy of avoidance is now saved for avoiding an argument with your recent ex. You come to a point where there is no reason, but to not be friendly to the previous ex. Which is what Friday was for me. We both had a breakup buffer between us. We both moved on from the other and found ourselves in other relationships and with a newer breakup than our own.

There was a third wheel present at our reconnect dinner, our most recent ex’s. The only thing is that they have no clue they were present and they were physically invisible to us. They were our buffer of safety, the reason why we could now reconnect. The relationships between our own past relationship has provided time and an opportunity for personal growth and realisations. We can laugh about all the things we had wrong and right. We accept that everything happened for a reason. You feel comfortable around the other. You are at a point where you both just want to bury the hatchet.

Maybe I have it all wrong and we decided to meet just because we were bored and had nothing better to do. However, I have realised this is not the first time in my romantic history of this pattern. I am liking this pattern that gives some explanation for the randomness of what was my Friday night, but more importantly I like that this pattern outlines the importance of time and realisations. Still I have an urge to invite my two favorite (and only ex’s in NL) to my next Shabbos (Friday night) dinner table just to enjoy life. However, my patterns are telling me to take a chill pill and let my recent ex be, reconnect with the one ex and just enjoy waiting for the next prince charming to come along. All I can predict is that one day I will find myself in another random Friday night with another ex and we will be reconnecting because we have an invisible relationship buffer between our own.

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Blogger, Wife, Yoga Teacher, Cat mom, World explorer & Creator of disasters in the kitchen.

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