The dilemmas that = a chapter

It has hit me again. That urge to do something with my life as it is in a moment of chaos. Not sure if it is the new year or the fact the past 2 months have been a rollercoaster….but it’s time to do something, anything. Revisit the idea of a blog perhaps?

This year has been eventful to say the least. A breakup from someone who all thought was my one, only for me to realize it was not. A new job, which I do love, but I can’t deny has brought on many challenges and not to mention at times a reality check to me personally. An unexpected romance that went full ahead only to be stopped with the realization that everything does indeed happen for a reason. Now it is December and I am now faced with the what I call ‘expat syndrome.’

The ‘expat syndrome’ is my realization that I have now been over 10 years abroad from all my family. My experiences from the past 10 years, which those close to me know were life changing, has made me an almost 25-year-old with the mind of a 35-year-old. I am in the painful realization that if I want to set up roots and have that home I have been missing, then this is down to me. But as any expat will know, that is hard to do when all your fellow expat friends leave every 2 years and your life depends on a work permit. No, I do not mean the sense of home as in where my mother is as even if I returned it simply is not the same as a childhood home. I mean a home that I make as an adult. While I enjoy my lovely little studio, it is not the place where I will cook in the kitchen (that would be separate to where I sleep!) with jazz playing on the iPod or the place where a dog will be waiting for me to return home.

Then I face my next dilemma. While I am determined to make Holland my home. It is not a dream to make a home alone. Afterall, who wants to cook for one or pick out furniture for yourself? Not to mention, the Holland dream home is not financially for one! But being able to share your idea of home does not come easy. Thoughts turn to will I ever find the one? This is something I can’t rush or simply wait I am only 25 so this should be the least of my worries.

Then the road of dilemmas adds another block. My Jewish block. Maybe it is my mixed family background or the Dutch Jewish culture. But oy vey! To me being Jewish has always been a cultural/heritage tradition thing. It was an answer to that foundation, ideas, beliefs of family life that I felt I was missing. But sometimes I surprise myself. I have these bursts of religousness that makes me think I should just go orthodox, then I quickly have a whoa moment realizing it simply is not me. My constant battle of a question of if I should date only Jewish guys is mind-boggling. My synagogue options are out as well…I have dated them all! Which in Haarlem was only 2 options, least it is something I can joke about. But the reality is in Holland, the pickings are slim. While I have no problem dating a non-Jewish guy (as I have in the past), I don’t think they would get my crazy philosophy on Judaism.

Yet, dating is the least of my dilemmas. As quite frankly, since November when things ended with my latest prince charming, life has not been bad. Don’t get me wrong, at times I wished that shtetl’s still existed and everything would work out simply by my parents arranging the marriage with a dowry, but that simply is unrealistic and a little crazy. Now, my belief that everything happens for a reason is stronger than ever. Because of that particular prince, I confronted myself with many questions about myself and am in the process of self-discovery where I am only growing. This prince is still in my life, but a different way. For now, I am going to take a break from romance and focus on my thoughts, but would not complain if romance knocked on my door every now and then.

My thoughts going in the direction of many doors. I am still faced with the expat crisis,  but at a much younger age than most expats. Let’s face it: I am a little out of place at expat cocktail parties, as I am not the typical expat female, which is the wife who stays at home with the children + shop whilst my husband is working (no offence).  No, I am young, working and to top it off I am at the quarter life point where I question my future. Sometimes I think I should go to New York, sometimes I think I should re-think what I want career wise, I think how I should settle down or when to get a dog . Children? my whole prerogative on that one has changed. Oh and then the bridal shop at my bus stop that happens to have my dream dress at the moment is a daily confrontation of the many dilemmas in my mind.

My directions are endless, but my mind path is narrowing. I am not complaining, in fact I’m enjoying it. Some days I want to scream, some days I want to laugh. However, I simply can’t deny that the phrase ‘quarter life crisis’ is completely and utterly true. However, crisis means a disaster and this simply is not the case….

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Blogger, Wife, Yoga Teacher, Cat mom, World explorer & Creator of disasters in the kitchen.

One thought on “The dilemmas that = a chapter

  1. Dear sweet Liz,
    What can I say after such a personal and insightful story of self-discovery. I cannot give you any advice, after all, I am only 26, living in the Philipines as an attempt to self-discovery and finding my life-goals, so what do I know?
    I just wanted to say that I think it is so brave of you to write it all down and that I am sure you will find the answers to your questions, as realizing what you want and what is happening brings you halfway to solving your problems already. Wish you all the best. Maya


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